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  • Social Media and Relationships

    Whenever you read anything pertaining to social media, you’ll read about relationships. On Facebook you can only invite your “friends.” LinkedIn will not allow you to connect with people you do not know. Twitter gives you more freedom; you can follow anyone you want, but they may not follow you back. It’s all about building and sustaining relationships. Chris Brogan, one guru of social media and an avid blogger, posted a blog where he criticized people on Twitter for trying to “sell you” on their products before they know you. He went so far as to say that he does not follow anyone who has an auto-response Tweet–whenever anyone follows you, an auto-response thank you goes out. His main concern was not the auto-response but the added request that you click on the stranger’s website or try out their new exciting product or service. “How do you know I want your service if you don’t know me?” he asked.

    Being new to Twitter myself, I was surprised by this angry post and all the comments that followed. Most people agreed with Brogan. Most said they “hate” those auto-responses. Some, like me, did not realize this was not proper “netiquette” on Twitter. Some, like me, had to go back and revise our auto-responses to remove any offensive links. All this leads me to think about the importance of relationship in social media.

    Clara Shih in Facebook Era tells us that the majority of people on social media sites have very few strong contacts. In fact most people on Facebook have only 10-20 strong contacts even though they may have 200 or more friends. LinkedIn used to require that you actually know the person as a colleague – having worked with them or share a group with that person before you could invite them to connect with you. This has changed and now you can also invite “friends” not just people you worked with. What all this means is that most of us have many more weak connections than strong connections. How do we develop a relationship with our weak connections?

    According to Shih it’s through active use of those weak connections and good use of the strong connections that relationships form. Let’s take a look at one reason relationships matter.

    The Johari Window

    Two psychologists, Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham developed a model of social interaction called the Johari Window in their book On Human Interaction in the 1960’s. What this model teaches us is that people interact with one another on the basis of four quadrants:

    Quadrant 1: The Open Area, contains all the things we know about ourselves that we are willing to share with others. Examples of these kinds of things might be our love of animals or our propensity toward travel or our devotion to our family. Our family and friends fit nicely among the people that we share our Open Area with. Most people interacting via social media use blogging to share about themselves. All the blogging primers tell us that blogging evolved from the concept of a web-log. In other words, it is like a diary on the web. It’s your web-journal. If you simply write about your products or services and never tell us about yourself, we stop reading your blog. The idea of Web 2.0 – which comprises the interactive Web or two-way communication – evolved because people wanted to communicate with one another. Once communication becomes two-way, relationships form.

    Quadrant 2: The Blind Area, contains what others know about us, but what we don’t know about ourselves. Some people call these our blind spots. Perhaps we tend to talk about ourselves a lot; perhaps we are overly indulgent with our children. All of us have blind spots that others see but elude us. We are so close to ourselves, we cannot see our own strengths and weaknesses. A good example of uncovering the Blind Area comes from Naked Conversations. When Microsoft hired Robert Scoble they described him as someone who “lets his flaws hang on his sleeve. He’s curious like a child and it’s hard not to like and trust him.” Being curious like a child enables you to open up to your Blind Area and win the trust of others. Hearing what others say enables you to uncover your blind spots. When people slap your hand for being too authoritative on your blog or for being too flip on Facebook, pay attention; they may be uncovering something about you that you didn’t know. Social media enable us to learn what others think about us-good or bad.

    Quadrant 3: The Hidden Area, things about us, our products or our services that we don’t want others to know constitute the Hidden Area. Obviously, as online communication grows and expands the likelihood for us to keep things hidden decreases. The challenge that social media presents for us is to let down our walls and allow others to see who we really are. Social media enables us to put ourselves out there for scrutiny. When we post a blog and share it with our Facebook friends, we tell them something about ourselves we might not say face-to-face. When we find a delicious little quote that we post to our followers on Twitter, we let them know a little something about us they may not know. Who are the people you share your Hidden Area stuff with? People you trust. Once you trust your friends on Facebook or your followers on Twitter, you begin creating a relationship. Someone once said, “Information is like sand. The more you try to hold onto it, the more slips through your hands.”

    Quadrant 4: The Unknown Area, the Johari Window contains a quadrant where we keep things that are deep in our sub-conscious minds that neither we nor others know. These things are left undiscovered until we unleash our creativity. Luft and Ingham tell us that once we listen to others and share openly, in other words pay attention to our blind spots and release information from our Hidden Area, we open the door to the Unknown Area. Social media provides opportunities to listen to our connections and to share and talk with them. Bernoff and Li in Groundswell counsel us over and over that the challenge of social media is not which tool to use but the discovery of ways to both talk and to listen to the groundswell.

    Talking and listening create a very large Open Area that helps us become authentic and transparent. Authenticity and transparency create trust. And trust, by the way, creates relationships. That’s why we strive for relationships. Probably the most successful woman entertainer of our time, Oprah, delivered the commencement address at Wellesley College in 1997. Some rate this speech as the best speech of its kind ever. Why? “Authenticity oozes out of every paragraph of this speech,” said Richard Green in an interview with USA Weekend. The power of openness works not only for Oprah in commencement speeches, but can work for you if you are willing to let down the walls and welcome the multitudes.

    Joan Curtis, EdD is founder of Total Communications Coaching where she specializes in helping smart, capable professionals move ahead in their careers by becoming skilled communicators.


  • How to Cope With Difficult Relationships in Family and at Work

    There are many times in life when you’re likely to find yourself in relationships that are unhealthy – and particularly damaging for your self-esteem. This happens particularly within the relationships in your family or at work. One of the major issues we are faced with is the stereotype we have created of the perfect job and family. We expect our family to be similar to the loving supportive families portrayed on tv (eg Family Ties, Modern Family, Different Strokes). We also expect our job environment to be fun, supportive and rewarding. With such high expectations, it’s very easy to feel disappointed.

    Often family’s are coping with various emotions, life changes, cultural and religious expectations. At work you are placed in an environment with people who you may or may not get along with – or even like. However, you have up find a way to create an effective working relationship in order to enjoy your work and be productive.

    There are various ways to cope within families and at work when you are faced with dealing with people who are letting you down, are criticizing you, or are trying to undermine you. When you have to stay in the environment there are 3 things you can do in a relationship that’s letting you down in order to better cope and protect your self-esteem.

    1) lower your expectations.

    We often judge people against others in the same role (eg a friend’s mum, or an old boss), however we have to allow people to be who they are and not expect any more. If they beat or meet our expectations, we can be pleasantly surprised, just don’t expect them to be anything more than they are.

    2) reduce contact

    When you are around others with negative energy, do your best to minimize your physical contact with them. Choose your moments to communicate with these people and be calm and confident in your interactions – when you have to be in contact.

    3) ask for very little

    This is an important one and it’s closely related to lowering your expectations. We ask for things because we expect a certain degree from others (eg expecting your boss to validate you, or expecting a family member to buy you a special gift for your birthday). If you ask for less and expect less, you increase your chances of being pleasantly surprised and you increase your coping resources when your hopes are not met.

    In life, you are bound to come across people who rub you up the wrong way, so implementing the above strategies can make life easier and much more enjoyable.


  • How Do You Face Your Family and Friends, While You Are Going Through a Relationship Breakdown?

    When it comes to a divorce, it is difficult to tell your spouse. It is even harder to tell family and friends. If you are thinking about divorce, and have decided to do it, tell your spouse first. Then tell your family.

    Timing is important. Don’t tell them at something like a Thanksgiving dinner. Arrange a mutually beneficial time where you can tell one of your closest family members. Tell them how you feel and what you think. Venting is acceptable.

    Your family will totally understand and it is much better than them hearing it through word of mouth. Also, try your best to keep calm and speak calmly. Sure some of them will be shocked. Especially if there were no warning signs that the marriage was in trouble.

    Something you should NEVER do is tell them over the phone, on an answering machine or in a letter. If it is something that you cannot face to do right now, don’t worry. Wait until you have had the time to accept it and then tell them.

    Your friends and family members will surely have questions and it is your right to answer them or not. They don’t need to know all the details. It is not their relationship that is breaking up.

    Telling children is another matter. It is best to wait to tell them until you both can sit down together with them and calmly tell them as gently as you both can. They must be made aware that it is nothing that they have done that has caused the relationship breakdown.

    Relationship breakdowns are hard on everyone, friends, family and those whose relationships are failing. This should not be something that is hard to tell friends or family because they should love you enough to be your support person.

    If your relationship with your spouse has failed and you want your significant other back, then reading more at Kalaya’s website.